These Nights..

Nights like tonight, I lay staring at the ceiling. Waiting for an answer to all the questions I hold within. Are there even answers? Or are these meant to be riddles with no definitive answer? Life should not have to be walked through this way.

At this point in time I am not sure if all of the decisions I have made are truly what I wanted. Some were made in haste, others with a drawn out thought process. Yet, with each I have questions and some obvious doubts.

(-Joey-)
All those late nights we spent talking about anything and everything, I could use one of those now. No matter what the question or the dilemma, with both of our minds put together, an answer was always found. Life was so much easier those days. Not really, but I like to pretend. I can sit up all night talking with someone else, but I never attain that same feeling I did after one of our long talks. Maybe because we both are passionate about how we feel. Or maybe it was just because you would let me blow my nose on your shirt when I was crying (THAT is real shit), and it helped me to see that things weren't as bad as I imagined. Maybe one day we can have another time like this. I don't care what anyone thinks about it, it will just be two people who click on a higher level, having a nice long chat in the middle of the night.
(-end-)

So what do I do? Where do I go and who do I take with me? Who must I leave behind? The question that bothers me the most, is the latter. I do not want to leave anyone behind in my wake. I want to carry all those I care about, through the entirety (I had to google this word. It looks funny to me) of my life.There are those in my life who think I should leave some behind and that I must do so in order to move forward. Those people I am being told to leave behind, are the same ones who made me who I am now.

Many people find it odd that I am able to be friends with my exes, even when we parted on bad terms. I'll admit, it can be a bit strange and it is a huge strain on any new relationship I have. However, I once considered that person to be good enough to be my one and only partner in life. Regardless if he beat me, yelled at me, cheated on me, or anything else, they know what they had and what they lost. Just as I know what could have been. If I can find friendship in the aftermath of these relationships, why shouldn't I? It is automatically assumed that sex or some other torrid action will take place during interactions. Believe it or not, I can sit with a guy, who I once dated, and have a full-blown, balls out conversation with, without actually touching his balls. Deal with it or go home!

I feel like I am falling down an endless hole and occasionally coming to a rest stop along the way. Nothing feels permanent and what did feel permanent, I ran away from. How much farther does this hole go? The bottom is nowhere in sight and the light keeps fading more and more.

In case you haven't noticed, I am not a happy, go-lucky person. I'm one who sees happiness more than it is felt. How can happiness be felt? It is not a tangible object. The only indication of it, is the smile on someone's face or that glitter in their eye. So do I reach out and touch the smile, or do I poke the person in the eye?

"I will do whatever it takes to make you happy". Oh really now? You cannot make me happy. You might be able to give me the impression of happiness or even a small taste, an hors d'oeuvres. My life can only be made easier to live. Don't get me wrong, I will go through life this way just fine. I do wish for happiness, but at the same time I don't want to become jaded. Those that are always happy, never see the world for what it truly is. I'm content not being happy. I'm not going to freak out and do something rash just because I can't seem to find the shiny pot of gold. I never want to hear that phrase again. Don't try to make me happy, show me happiness instead.

Seriously, I am ranting hardcore right now. Nothing but mindless babble coming from an anxiety driven female, that is menstruating and emitting hormones through her eyeballs. It's some mad cow type shit at 1 in the morning. Thankfully I am alone in this rant, because if not I would not be here ranting. I would instead be giving someone a hard time because I am on an ego trip. There have been very few who could tolerate this. Really, I can only think of two and amazingly they are both still a part of my life. In one way or another.

All I am asking for is an answer to my questions. I no longer want to stare at the ceiling all hours of the night, asking myself the same things over and over.

That is all. The ceiling is calling my name.....